Managers who have discriminating tastes

I like working with women.

When I treat men as equals and respect them as professionals, it’s routine and unnoticed. When I work with women and treat them the same way, a common response is relief, perhaps appreciation, and usually cooperation.

This is, of course, a gross generality. The worst corporate backstabber I ever ran afoul of was a woman. Or, rather, the best — she was a very talented backstabber.

Two recent Advice Lines came from women who have experienced sexism in the workplace throughout their successful careers (“Does gender matter?” 4/12/2008 and “Gender does matter, and it doesn’t matter,” 4/30/2008).

As usual, most of the comments posted in response were interesting, relevant, and perceptive. Then there were the other kind — the ones that worried most about “reverse sexism” and “playing the gender card.”

It is true that in some companies and some situations, less competent women are promoted over more competent men. In my experience it’s more common that men assume a woman has achieved her position because of reverse sexism … or worse … and not because she is very good at her job.

Sexism has always been a more difficult subject than racism. Here’s how far we’ve come when it comes to race: When, in 1967, Sidney Poitier dated a white woman in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, the controversy was huge and enduring. When, in 1998 … just thirty years later … Wesley Snipes dated a white woman in U.S. Marshals, nobody even noticed.

Yes, there are still some antediluvians who think African Americans are genetically inferior. There are also some who think the earth is flat. (A different question for a different time: Whether American society continues to suffer the social residues of past racism. It does, creating serious challenges for us all.)

In 1967, many men considered feminism to be disturbing and unnatural. Forty years later this has changed much less. Example: Last year, when MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson said of Hillary Clinton, “[T]here’s just something about her that feels castrating, overbearing, and scary … I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air,” it barely created a stir.

Had he made an equivalent comment about Barack Obama (what would it be? Perhaps, “His ties look like gang colors — they make me want to hand over my wallet,”) it’s safe to say it wouldn’t have gone unnoticed.

Sexism is a more difficult subject than racism for several reasons, among them:

• The racial differences between people are, almost literally, skin deep and little more. The gender differences between people are inescapably profound and extend far beyond both appearance and anatomy.

• Women have babies. Men don’t. So while it is possible to insist that society treat people of different ethnicities exactly the same, the same insistence applied to men and women isn’t entirely meaningful.

• Women are more likely to take time away from their careers while their children are young than men. As a result, the statistical demonstration of sexism is a more complex task than the statistical demonstration of racism.

• Amateur biologists commonly engage in junk science, overstating the cognitive and behavioral impacts of estrogen and testosterone, based on third-hand accounts of research whose interpretation is not yet certain.

As a manager, start by paying attention to what the women actually said in Advice Line. Two snapshots:

“My problem is, I’m not “one of the boys,” and don’t want to be one of the boys. Throughout my career, though, being one of the boys has been at least as important as my actual performance.”

And,

“Most male managers are not sexist, at least not consciously. There are many, however, who do discriminate without even realizing it. The interesting or prestigious project usually goes to a male employee who is most like the manager, or plays golf with the manager …”

I’ll add to this a sadly common experience for women: The boss invites his cronies, including many direct reports, to a local strip joint. Anyone is welcome to join them, of course.

This leaves the women with no good choices. They either don’t join the guys, which increases the extent to which they are outsiders; they do, which gives their tacit approval and which some men might interpret as an invitation to make a pass; or they complain, which creates friction, tension, and hostility.

Why is this okay?

Leaders are responsible for building team identity.

Those who equate a sense of team identity with “being one of the boys” do discriminate against those who aren’t boys.

By definition.