The Internet is:

a) A vehicle for completely transforming society.

b) A source of useful information.

c) A new venue for marketing and commerce.

d) On the verge of collapse.

e) Excedrin headache #3.

I’m guessing most readers of this column would choose “e”. That’s too bad, because the Internet can be a great route out of the corporate slums for all of us in Information Systems.

Aren’t you tired of being viewed as a Money Pit? Focus on reducing costs and increasing productivity and that’s where you’ll stay. Like it or not, lots of companies see us as a necessary evil – money they’d rather avoid spending but are stuck with, like payments on a failing car.

No, you want to hook up with Marketing. That’s where the fun is, because that’s where revenue comes from. Revenue gets respect. Revenue gets glamour. Revenue gets … funding!

Right now, companies see the Internet as an intriguing marketing opportunity. Embrace it and get on board. If you need help, this is a great opportunity to flog my new book, Selling on the ‘Net, (National Textbook Company) due out mid-September, co-authored with my friend, father and great guru of direct marketing, Herschell Gordon Lewis.

Marketing has three basic goals: acquiring new customers, reducing customer defections, and increasing volume with current customers. While you’re lunching with your new marketing-director friend hearing details of your company’s plans for accomplishing these goals, point out that while the Internet has a lot of sizzle, several other technologies have much more potential. “What might those be?” he or she is sure to ask.

I’m glad you asked. Of a long list, here are four.

Data Warehousing: Here’s the perfect platform for a killer marketing database. You can use it strategically, to understand who buys what – information you can use for corporate planning.

You can also use this database for tactical marketing. What you know about each current customer’s recent buying habits helps you create tailored offerings to more effectively increase per-customer volume. You can use the same information for targeted marketing to non-customers, selling each one products and services popular with demographically and psychographically similar current customers.

Electronic Mail: Yes, plain, ordinary e-mail can become a powerful marketing weapon, and no, you don’t have to become a spammer. Do you have a customer newsletter? Offer it to customers via e-mail as an alternative to paper. Just set up a list server and make it easy for customers and prospects to subscribe.

Correspondence with subscribers isn’t spamming, it’s service – they’ve already expressed interest. Send them customer satisfaction surveys by e-mail. Use them as informal focus groups for refining ideas about new products and services. Use your imagination. E-mail, because of its immediacy and informality, cements customer relationships far better than any paper alternative.

Computer Telephone Integration (CTI): Here’s a wonderful technology. It has huge potential, but no logical internal sponsor until you came along. Add screen-pop to your call center (that is, automatically display customer records before transferring calls to call center agents). Add intelligent call transfer, where transferring a customer call from one employee to another also transfers the computer screens.

Add data-directed call routing, where information about a caller in your databases (or data warehouse) determines who should receive the call.

The secret to successful CTI: every customer contact must enhance the relationship. Every customer service interaction becomes a (soft) cross-selling opportunity and every sales interaction becomes a customer service opportunity.

Electronic Data Interchange (EDI): EDI, the electronic exchange of formal documents like purchase orders and invoices, has never lived up to its potential due to the extraordinary difficulty of converting EDI transmissions into database updates. Turn this to your advantage: customers who successfully exchange EDI transaction sets with you are unlikely to leave you for a competitor – it will cost them too much.

There are other customer-facing technologies, too. Let someone else maintain the accounts payable system. In this Olympic year, go for the gold.

Back when I studied electric fish I learned a valuable lesson from my research advisor: not all criticism in my professional life would be phrased with concern for my ego’s ongoing desire to inflate. The following episode, which also provided a second invaluable insight, led me to this conclusion.

My research involved a quantitative analysis of behavior. After some nasty FORTRAN programming and some manual charting and graphing, I showed it to my advisor.

“What’s it mean?” he asked. My answer involved the mathematics of information theory, capped by a precise measure of the communication between two interacting fish. Nobel Prize material.

“But what’s it mean?” he asked again, impatiently. When he failed to hear a satisfactory answer he told me to stop bothering him until I could explain it in English. I knew the number, but not what it meant.

Just for giggles, let’s take the same potshot at a basic number used in the specs for information systems: response time.

Oh, the concept is fine. Unfortunately, we usually measure it in units of time, which demonstrates our lack of insight into its meaning.

“The benchmark transaction completed in .782 seconds,” we might say. Or, in comparing brands and models of personal computer, “Model A completed our benchmark task in 1 minute 34 seconds, clearly outperforming Model B which completed it in 1 minute 51 seconds.”

Precise, measures, yes, but they mean very little.

The reason? Look from a customer-value perspective, remembering that “Customers define value,” is the first of the three rules of management. Response time isn’t a continuous numeric quantity. Customer-valued response time (for most of us) has only six values, and none of them is a number. Those values are Eye-blink, Quick, Pause, Delay, Break, and Overnight. To elaborate:

An eye-blink is, from a customer perspective, instantaneous. Never mind that sufficiently sensitive instruments can measure it. It takes place faster than a person’s ability to notice. Eye-blink response time is perfect. You can’t improve on it.

Quick processes happen fast enough that users don’t pay attention to them. The wait is noticeable, but not obtrusive. When we talk about “sub-second response time” we’re really saying we need it to be quick.

A pause breaks our rhythm, but doesn’t let us do anything else useful. Lots of computer processes cause us to pause. Printing a one-page memo results in a pause. So can saving a long document to disk or downloading a small, well-constructed Web page from an adequately powered server via modem. Likewise database updates when response time is bad. Pauses are awfully annoying. Every pause requires the exercise of patience, and each of us has only a fixed amount of patience available for our use each day.

Delays take longer than pauses – enough longer to do something useful. We can take a gulp of coffee during a delay. Sharpen a pencil. Dial a telephone number. File a document. In many respects a delay, while longer than a pause, tries our patience less. Loading nearly any application in Windows causes a delay. So do most Web pages.

Breaks are even better than delays. You can refill your coffee mug during a break. Ask your boss a quick question. File several documents. Booting your computer gives you a break. So does faxing a document through your fax/modem, or running a report off a medium-sized database.

Anything longer than a break may as well wait until you leave for the night. Start it up, go home, see the result the next morning. If you want to be daring, start it up before you leave for a meeting instead.

That’s it. Six possible response times. You haven’t improved response time until you cross a boundary from one to the other.

And that’s not always an improvement, because sometimes, you just need a break.